Why Jeremy Clarkson hates Piers Morgan

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Anyone who follows Jeremy Clarkson on Twitter will no doubt be aware of just how much he hates Piers Morgan. But why? And did Jeremy really punch Piers in the face? Well.. kick back with a frosty beverage and read on. This may take a while.

The story begins in 1994, when Piers Morgan was nothing but a snotty, upper class twat with only a degree in Journalism from Harlow College. In the time following he worked small-time reporting jobs for local media outlets and lived an otherwise boring life. He was then offered the editor position for The Sun‘s celebrity gossip column, ‘Bizarre’, in which he either did exceedingly well or pathetically badly because this lasted only a matter of months. But in his short tenure as a celebrity correspondent he managed to start spinning the wheels for a reputation as an invasive, underhanded snake with absolutely no respect for others privacy or basic human rights. These qualities, when combined with his general air of self-appointed superiority have led many to conclude that Piers Morgan is a twat.

Thanks to his influence as an embodiment of evil he caught the eye of Rupert Murdoch (perhaps an even bigger twat) who decided to offer the rookie journalist the position of senior editor for The News of The World, Murdoch’s flagship Sunday newspaper in the UK. Piers used this opportunity as senior editor of a major media outlet to further his plans of pissing off and alienating every single celebrity in Britain. He claimed that because celebrities use the media as a vehicle for purporting their own careers then, in return, the media deserves full-access to their personal lives.After spending a year or so digging through Judi Dench’s bins Piers one day up and decided to leave Murdoch behind, probably believing the aging media mogul was slowing him down. Piers managed to time his exit perfectly as he had somehow managed to impress the folks at the Daily Mirror newspaper with his semi-psychotic journalistic methods and lack of public relation skills. Naturally they offered him the senior editor position, which he took without hesitation or a look back. It was here that he would make his name.

In 1996 it was Euro Cup time, and in the UK this is kind of a big thing. Imagine the Superbowl and the World Series all rolled into one and you’re sort of getting there. They take it quite seriously as a nation, especially when we’ve been lined up to play Germany. So when this happened Piers was obliged to cover the story, or risk not selling a single paper for the rest of the year. “Achtung! Surrender” was on the front page the Mirror the day of the match. Anyone with even a passing knowledge of European politics during the 20th century might be able to piece together what followed. “Shitstorm” just doesn’t quite sum it up and he was forced to apologise to Germany, the UK and FIFA on international television amidst death threats from all over the continent. But this was just the start of his fall from grace.

We all understand the buying and selling of shares, right? It’s what our economies are based on. You know, that weird thing where men in suits shout into phones and fling themselves out of windows? Apparently there’s a great way to make a fortune with it if you happen to own one of the biggest newspapers in Europe. Imagine you are running a story in a few days that a company, lets say Viglen, is going to be a safe bet. Now imagine you have £20,000 in the bank just collecting dust with it’s piddly little 1.5% interest rate, crying out for some real investment. Well in 2000 Piers Morgan found himself in this very position! Unfortunately for him he’s Piers Morgan, and thus he is shit at almost everything, including crime. He got caught playing the stock market and suddenly found himself the subject of an investigation. Fortunately for him he’s Piers Morgan, and thus is an expert at weaseling his way out of nearly any situation. He was found to be in breach of financial journalism’s sacred code of conduct but for reasons unknown he managed to keep his job. The fact he blamed the two columnists that wrote for his financial section may have helped. They lost their jobs. During their trial, it turned out Piers hadn’t invested £20,000 in Viglin all along! He’d actually invested £67,000 under his wife’s name.

A few years passed and Piers pretty much drove the Daily Mirror into the ground. By 2004, it was the last straw. Piers went and authorised the publication of photos fresh from the war in Iraq, which seemed to show British Troops abusing and mistreating Iraqi POWs. Unfortunately for him, and the photos turned out to be fake. He was fired and the paper had to actually run stories on their front pages for about a week offering their most sincere apologies. So Piers found himself out on the streets, exchanging sexual gratification for tea and living out of a horse box. Or he would have if he’d been anyone else. Fortunately for him he’s Piers Morgan and was rich as sin from his years of celebrity bullying, fraud and playing the stock market.

Remember I repeatedly said that Piers made a bit of a reputation for harassing celebrities like Ebola? Well one of the celebrities he picked out for special treatment was Jeremy Clarkson. The reason for this whole sordid article.

article-2483749-19229A8300000578-961_636x452Jeremy Clarkson is a fellow journalist who has a column in The Sun – Piers’ old rival newspaper. Starting in the early 2000’s, Piers decided for reasons known only to himself that Clarkson must be up to no good somewhere and damn it he was going to find out. His ‘investigations’ started to bank towards stalking the hapless Yorkshireman, taking pictures of him everywhere he went, waiting outside his house etc. Unsurprisingly this started to piss Clarkson off no end. This led to Clarkson making personal jibes about Piers in his column and on his show, which served only to piss Piers off more. This snowballed on and on until Piers hit the jackpot he’d been waiting for! He’d managed to get some incriminating snaps of Clarkson hitting on his BBC producer, Elaine Bedell. Without further ado, he published them and got Clarkson into a bit of bother at home.

Clarkson was furious, as any of us would have been. Unfortunately for Piers, Clarkson was also attending the British Press Awards that year and the two encountered each other on the floor. So what did Jeremy do? Did he confront Piers and give him a piece of his mind? Not quite. Rather than talk it out Clarkson slowly walked over to Piers and punched him straight in the face, then calmly left. This reportedly left Piers with a scar above his left eye.

In the years following, their tit-for-tat war of words have continued and even spilled on to twitter. Most commonly they duke it out over the others’ show viewer figures – with Jeremy convinced that Piers’ dwindling viewer figures will result in his show being cancelled, and Piers’ maintaining that Top Gear is on the way down too.

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This war of words is destined to be one of the world’s longest running wars – akin to a race between two Vauxhall Vectra’s. It’ll go on forever and be incredibly boring to watch. Who do you think will win? We now have the answer!

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32 COMMENTS

  1. Hey Jeremy
    Dont ever speak about who Americans distrust or dislike. We don’ t like you. Your a big mouth idiot. You call us fat, stupid and rude.
    What kind of reception do you expect from ssomeone you call fat and stupid you fucking moron.
    I so wish you three faggots woyld have got your limey asses kicked on the show in America. Why didn’t you get out and back up that big mouth of yours. Oh thats right your a Brittish big mouth fag who runs like a bitch when your big mouth writes a check your ass can’t cash. Fuck England we should have let your asses get wiped out off the earth in WW2.. FUCK OFF !

    • It would appear, good sir, that your problem is not with Jeremy Clarkson (not that I imagine he would particularly care if it was), but with your own ability to verbalize or otherwise communicate your angst. I suggest you see someone about it. Chin up buddy, there are councillors for this sort of thing, but, ehh, don’t be late, say, maybe 2 years late? You’re good at that sort of thing.

    • Had the Americans witheld their much needed interference in WWII the number of friendly fire incidents would have been considerably lower. One can only hope that the rebel colonies have improved their aim if not wholey rid themselves of the trigger happy enthusiasm which has made your armed forces such questionable allies. To my mind, one of the most valuable contributions that the U.S has made to global society is the sure and certain knowledge that MORE is not necessarily better.

      • I think Clarkson is brilliant, and enjoy every barb he throws at Americans–we deserve them all. On the other hand, the apparently perpetual inferiority complex that afflicts Brittons regarding their former colony is also good for laughs.

        As for Piers Morgan, he is, as the article claims, a twat. And even if I hated Jeremy Clarkson, I would shake his hand (hell, I’d hug him) for taking that shot. Next time, Jezza, use a palm strike–more damage to Morgan, less to you!

    • You really don’t understand the British sense of humour do you? Well, Americans don’t. We British take the piss out of everyone and what really makes it funny and worthwhile is seeing reactions like this. Thanks for making me chuckle.

    • what a delightful foul mouthed prick you are… Take what Jeremy says with a pinch of salt and don’t overreact! Even stand up comedians don’t get this much stick.

    • Shut the fuck up. UK helped as much as the USA. Fuckin’ americans, you lot are the real terrorists. You get involved with so many other countries problems. And for what? Publicity? Yeah, ‘Murica bitch.

    • I’ll fucking smash your American head in you yank piece of shit watch what I’ll do to you and your fucking fat head of a head

    • As an American I can personally say I like Clarkson, and you, yes you specifically, are the type of American he makes fun of. The ignorant bore headed person who can’t spell, or use anything resembling proper American English, which is slightly different the Queen’s English, and I am specific because I gather your pretty much an ignoramus. ‘

      I really dislike Americans like you. You are what make the rest of the world thing were arrogant pricks. Do the decent thing for all decent Americans, dare I say the world a service, and don’t reproduce in our gene pool. Thank you in advance for doing the world a solid.

    • Hey pal, I’m an American too and the only reason your all pissy is because your a fat rude ignorant fuck. So quit crying like a baby back bitch and lose some weight and live a little longer!

    • Hmm. I would like to tell you, petty American that i grew up outside of America’s third world, Detroit and have been around all over the country. Like the people below have said, you are the types of people he makes fun of. The easily offended. You make me laugh, you weak spine swine. There are too many of you jokes out there and that is why you all come together like vermin and lemmings and fester and spread. You are, utterly and bluntly vermin, disease of America and the most foul type of people out there and the worst sort to represent this great nation.

      As for you British folk, i don’t know what it is that you dislike about America so much. I have many speculations and many of them are quite right but suffice it to say that you should know that many Americans are weak minded, force fed by the media and like it. American citizens for the most part are the sheeple, little, quiet, weak mined and no spine people who are easy prey. The Americans who are not sheeple, are the ones i do believe are encountered by tourists and the ones who do leave a good impression. Hard to say, but they are out there.

      Remember this and live by this. “Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their views and demand that they respect yours.”-Tecumseh(supporter of the British during the French and Indian wars.) and also this by Vincent Majestyk, played by Charles Bronson: “You don’t kill one cockroach and think it’ll teach the rest of them a lesson. No, you gotta kill’em all.”

      Live by that and you’re good.

  2. Darren k isaacs……..I’ve heard it all now. WW2? That old one again? Really? That’s like us bringing up the English language, but hey man you probably speak American. Are you from the Deep South perhaps? Will if you can actually read this with your three eyes genetically passed down as a by product from your mamma’s mamma riding her brother then good luck to you sir. I see your six fingers on one hand has not affected your typing too much. Just a little

  3. To the Angry American. I share your country but not your opinions, yes Clarkson is a loud obnoxious bigot, and I love him for it; I watch ever episode. Yes, he picks on the “Colonies”, but he picks on everyone, and its damn funny. Its a Brit show with Brit pride all over it, we do the same thing, so drive your left hand drive mustang with a hood in the front a trunk in the back down to a BAR and have a drink. Its Comedy the way it is supposed to be. And to the WWII commenters….good men spilled blood fighting for our freedoms, that takes courage REGARDLESS of where you were born. “Miss you gramps.”

    • Completely agree with you KJ. I’m also an American, and weak-minded “mericans” annoy me. Like you said, Clarkson picks on everyone, which is exactly what we love to do. He is my favorite on the show and it’s mainly because he says what he wants. I’m starting to get tired of all the insecure people, dishonest kindness, and apologizes in the US. And I just don’t understand how a person could get so angry about such a fun show.

      • It’s quite simple…he’s an American Liberal with no sense of humor.

        Instead of just turning the channel like a normal person, he continues to watch because he wants to be offended. He believes that if he’s offended, then the offending party must be punished and ridiculed. He doesn’t get that his true power is in just turning the channel. He doesn’t understand the concept of capitalism where if he and enough other like-minded individuals turn the channel the show will get canceled, just like Piers.

        • Leave it to “JJ” to turn this into a liberal versus conservative rant…and make us Americans look even more self-centered than we are. Take a deep breath, JJ, and simmer down – it’s not all about you and your fellow right-wingers.

  4. I’m from the u.s and I’m not at all pissed when Clarkson make fun of us. He make fun of everyone, including the British and even himself. People who get sand in their vaginas when a person make a joke about a group of other people that they are apart of is gross. Folks need to chill the hell out. Clarkson is in my opinion one of the funniest people to walk the face if the earth. Piers is a D-BAG. And if you agree or disagree, it does not matter. Grow up people and act your age. I know 95% could not and would not have the balls to say half the shit you say to other people in person. Most of you hide behind your computer screen with a fake name. That why this world is going to shit. Stop your blubbering bitches!!!! Long live CLARKSON. Peirs, go smoke some cock you useless asshole!

  5. people who get offended by Clarkson ar twats. Clarkson speaks the truth. Majority Americans are fat, and even more are senseless idiots who get offended when someone speaks honestly. Im from Lesotho, in Southern Africa (Not South Africa! !) and I never flinch when Clarkson passes comments about Africans, fuck! We love Top Gear down here. Clarkson is a good, funny guy. He isnt perfect and he isnt obssessed with perfection like so many American hosts. He is a human being and he acts like one and that makes him a great guy.

  6. Jeremy should have hit him twice!!!!!! Now, I’m American’ not fat, lol’ and I absolutely love the Plucky Brit sense of humor. Too many of us ,here in the states, take ourselves waaaay too seriously. We lose sight of the ability to laugh at ourselves. I , in no way, agree with the angry American. We have too many twats on this side of the pond. So, to get back at it. piers Morgan is a right cunt and got what he deserved. I would have hit him with a brick!! save my hand you understand.

    • hit him three times, breaking his finger, and scarring morgans noggin. Sadly he didnt hit a bit more centrally in his face and knock some sense into the cunt.

  7. This is the biggest pile of shite ever transferred to print!

    Can’t stand Morgan myself, BUT, what ACTUALLY happened was this:

    Morgan got a snap of Clarkson slavering all over Bedell, (imagine that! YEUK!). Morgan told Clarkson, (a ‘fellow’ [so called] ‘journalist’ as Sean writes), what he had on him, and Clarkson BEGGED him not to publish. Clarkson said that there was nothing ‘going on’, and went on to suggest that “nothing COULD POSSIBLY be going on”, and that Morgan should, “….ask Mrs Clarkson.” He inferred to Morgan that he couldn’t be having a ‘fling’, as he was impotent! Imagine that! Feigning IMPOTENCE as an excuse! What a hero! Morgan apparently felt sorry for Clarkson, and didn’t publish there and then, but kept the details on file. Morgan later came across Clarkson doing something very similar, and heard that there was more ‘going on’ than he’d originally been told by Clarkson, so he went ahead and published the original photos. The next time they met was at the Press Awards.

    What a lovely world ‘low rent’ media is!

    So there you go! Like it or not, THAT is why Clarkson punched Morgan.

    An uncomfortable truth is always better than a pleasing lie!

  8. Jeremy Clarkson is a man I have a very hard time disagreeing with, even when it comes to the bad things about my country (USA) which I myself have as much good and bad things to say about as the UK. I can’t say I am surprised by this feud. Jeremy seams like a good guy and I don’t know how you can be a good guy, personally know Piers Morgan and NOT want to beat his face in.

  9. Piers Morgan actually DOES get allot of attention around here, but it’s mostly people with torches and pitchforks.

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