Top Gear Stig Quotes

The only complete and up-to-date list of Stig quotes on the Internet, listed in the order of which they appeared. Each one is linked to the episode in which it was said.

The Stig[06×01] – “Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[06×02] – “Some say he’s wanted by the CIA and that he sleeps upside down like a Bat. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[06×03] – “Some say that he appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and that he can catch fish with his tongue. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[06×04] – “Some say he is illegal in 17 US states, and he blinks this way [sideways]. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[06×05] – “Some say that his breath smells of magnesium, and that he’s scared of bells. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[06×06] – “Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all his legs are hydraulic. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[06×07] – “Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[06×08] – “Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he’s confused by stairs. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[06×09] – “Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[06×11] – “Some say that he’s terrified of ducks, and that there’s an airport in Russia named after him. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[07×01] – “Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin’s, and that wherever you are in the world, if you turn your radio to 88.4 you can actually hear his thoughts. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[07×02] – “Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his ear wax tastes like Turkish Delight. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[07×03] – “Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[07×04] – “Some say that his tears are adhesive, and that if he caught fire he’d burn for 1000 days. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[07×05] – “Some say he can swim 7 lengths underwater, and he has webbed buttocks. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[07×06] – “Some say that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[08×01] – “Some say that his ears aren’t exactly where you’d expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[08×02] – “Some say he has a digital face, and that if he felt like it he could fire Alan Sugar. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[08×03] – “Some say that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he could be bothered he could crack the da vinci code in 43 seconds. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[08×04] – “Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and that he’s been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[08×05] – “Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nurburgring, and if you give him a really important job to do, he’ll skive off and play croquet. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[08×06] – “Now some say he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother, he will head-butt you in the chest. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[08×07] – “Some say that on really warm days he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason he’s allergic to the Dutch. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[08×08] – “Some say that his first name really is “The”, and that if he went on Celebrity Love Island they’d all be pregnant, including the camera men. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[09×01] – “Some say he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and that long before anyone else he realised that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[09×02] – “Some say that he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the Cash for Honours scandal. All we know is he’s called Lord Stig.”

[09×03] – “Some say that he’s a CIA experiment that went wrong, and that he only eats cheese. All we know is he’s not the Stig, but he is the Stig’s American Cousin.”

[09×04] – “Some say that if you lick his chest it tastes exactly the same as Piccalilly, and that at this weeks Brit Awards he was arrested for goosing Russell Brandt. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[09×05] – “Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and that his crash helmet is modeled on Britney Spears’ head. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[09×06] – “Some say he isn’t machine washable, and all his potted plants are called ‘Steve’. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[10×01] – “Some say that his scrotum has it’s own small gravity field, and because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is he’s called Cuddles.”

[10×02] – “Some say that he’s banned from the town of Chichester, and that in a recent late night deal he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[10×03] – “Some say that he gets terrible eczema on his helmet, and that if he’d been the video ref in the World Cup rugby final he would have seen that of course it was a try you blind Australian half-wit. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[10×04] – “Some say that he’s seen The Lion King 1,780 times, and that his second best friend is a Cape Buffalo. All we know is he’s not the Stig, but he is the Stig’s African Cousin.”

[10×05] – “Some say that to unlock him you have to run your finger down his face, like that. And that if he were getting divorced from Paul McCartney he’d keep his stupid whining mouth shut. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[10×06] – “Some say that he thought Star Wars was a documentary, and that he recently pulled out of “I’m a Celebrity” because he’s frightened of trees, and Australia, and Koo Stark, and Ant, and Dec. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[10×07] – “Some say that he knows two facts about ducks and both of them are wrong. And that 61 years ago he accidentally introduced her majesty The Queen to a Greek racialist. All we know is that I’m going to the tower now to have my head cut off, and he is called the Stig.”

[10×08] – “Some say that when he slows down, brake lights come on in his buttocks. And that if he’d been the manager of the England football squad last week he wouldn’t have been a feckless ginger gum chewing buffoon and ruined it for all of us. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[10×09] – “Some say that he once lost a canoe on a beach in the north east, and that he once did some time in a prison in Canterbury because his teddy is called “The baby Jesus”. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[10×10] – “Some say that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort’s pool, and he is actually.”

[11×01] – “Some say that after making love he bites the head off his partner, and that he’s had to give up binge drinking now that it’s got to £1.18 a litre. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[11×02] – “Some say that each of his toenails are exactly the same as a woman’s nipples, and that he thinks the credit crunch is some kind of breakfast cereal. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[11×04] – “Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York, and that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[11×05] – “Some say that he isn’t allowed by law to be within 100 yards of Lorraine Kelly, and that he’s never seen an episode of Top Gear because he’s a huge fan of Midsomer Murders. All we know is he’s called the Bergerak.”

[11×06] – “Some say it’s impossible for him to wear socks, and he can open a beer bottle with his testes. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[12×01] – “Some say that he sleeps inside out, and that he once had full sex with Russell Brandt’s answering machine. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[12×02] – “Some say that he invented November, and that if he won the world championship in Brazil last weekend there might have been one photograph of him without his father, gurning in the back of shot. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[12×04] – “Some say he has a stripey top, just like mine……..” [James May]

[12×05] – “Some say that one of his eyes is a testie, and that he was turned down for ‘I’m a Celebrity’ because people have heard of him. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[12×06] – “Some say that one of his legs gets longer when he sees a pretty lady, and that I haven’t done one of these for some time and I’ve forgotten to make up a second thing. All we know is he’s called the Stig.” [Richard Hammond]

[12×07] – “Some say, that he doesn’t like to get his helmet wet, a point that was proved last week when he was caught in the back of shot by an eagle eyed viewer (a picture is shown of The Stig using an umbrella) all we know is, he’s called The Stig”

[13×01] – “Some say that he invented the curtain, and that he recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel, for his moat. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[13×02] – “Some say that last week he was found in a locked room tied to a chair with German piano wire. And that this week, MP’s turned him down for the job of “Speaker”. All we know is that’s three things he has in common with Margaret Beckett.”

[13×03] – “Some say that he thinks crisps are animals, and that if he’d done well at Wimbledon, once in a while he might have been able to raise a smile. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[13×04] – “Some say that he is absolutely baffled by urinals, and that on reflection this was a bad week to launch his debut single – it’s a tribute, to Farrah Fawcett. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[13×05] – “Some say he has 12 GCSE’s all in domestic science, and that he’s been producing artificial sperm for years – even though we have repeatedly asked him not to. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[13×06] – “Some say that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous, and that recently pigs in Mexico have started to die of something called Stig Flu. All we know is he’s highly contagious.”

[13×07] – “Some say that he cut that man’s hair, and that if he compensated a soldier for getting wounded he wouldn’t try to take it all back again. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[14×01] – “Some say that in the Autumn all his arms go brown and fall off. And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence he would at least get your name right. All we know is he’s called the Stog.”

[14×02] – “Some say that he has some terrible plans involving the moon, and that he was turned down for a place on “I’m a Celebrity” because he is one. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[14×03] – “Some say that his new Christmas range of fragrances includes the great smell of ‘Wednesday’, and that he was turned down for the job of EU President because his face is just too recognizable. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[14×04] – “Some say that the drinks cabinet in his car contains 14 different types of custard, and while he has been known to leave his house in a bit of a hurry, he’s never once hit a fire hydrant. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[14×05] – “Some say that you shouldn’t go ’round to his house for ya Christmas Lunch unless you enjoy the great taste of Seagull, and that the reason he always wears a helmet is that a man once smashed him in the face with a model of Salisbury Cathedral. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[14×07] – “Some say that he has to take his shoes off with an allen key, and that his new year’s resolution is to eat fewer mice. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[15×01] – “Some say that his discharge is luminous, and that even as we speak he is appearing on the main stage at Glastonbury performing his most famous hit “Superstition”. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[15×02] – “Some say that there are seventeen different reasons why he’s banned from the North Hampton branch of Little Chef, and that his favourite airline pilot is Mark Webber.. mine too actually. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[15×03] – “Some say that if you hold him in the wrong way he doesn’t work properly, and that just very recently he developed an irrational hatred of Rubens Barrichello. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[15×04] – “Some say that he spent all week daydreaming about what Rubens Barrichello would look like in a ham slicer, and that he’s terrified the BBC will reveal his salary because he’s paid in strong pornography. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[15×05] – “Some say the Scottish released him a little bit too soon, and that he spent all week pushing an effigy of Rubens Barrichello through his desk fan. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[15×06] – “Some say that he’s recently been releasing pop records under the pseudonym of Lady Gaga, and that under his race suit he also wears a red G-string and suspenders. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[16×03] – “Please welcome TOP GEAR’S NEW STIG!”

[16×04] – “Some say that he doesn’t understand the word ‘envelope’, and that he is the only woman in Britain not to have slept with Alan Johnson’s policemen. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[16×05] – “Some say he once tore a goat in half, and that he is now regretting buying his new holiday home in downtown Cairo. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[16×06] – “Some say his nipples are explosive, and that he’s recently had a Mexican… I mean Brazilian! Why did I say that! I’m sorry Mr Ambassador! Anyway, all we know is he’s called the Stig!”

[16×07] – “Some say that in his wallet he keeps a photograph of his wallet, and that in a recent race even he was beaten by the King’s speech. All we know is he’s called the Stig!”

[16×08] – “Some say that his favourite disease that he had when he was a child was Gout, and that he was very surprised this week when he was able to pick up some remarkably cheap tickets to the Bahrain Grand Prix. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[17×01] – “Some say he doesn’t know what dogs are for, and that he recently took out a super-injunction to prevent us from revealing that he …….. …………… … …….. ….. …….. ……. with an enormous goat. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[17×02] – “Some say that he can’t eat mashed potato for religious reasons, and that he recently received 47,000 tickets, Olympic tickets, all of them for the final of the Women’s Wrestling. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[17×03] – “Some say that he refuses to acknowledge the existence of Nottingham shire, and that he recently received a very strong email from his finance’s mother, saying its bad manners to sit at the dinner table in a helmet. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[17×04] – “Some say that he once hacked into his own helmet, and that he thinks Harper Seven is a convicted terrorist cell. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[17×06] – “Some say that his favourite T-shirt has a picture on the front of a T-shirt, and that he spent all week waiting for a big cheque from the Germans, because he too has spent the last 2000 years sitting on his backside doing absolutely nothing at all. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[18×01] – “Some say he’s not the Stig. But he is the Stig’s Italian cousin!”

[18×02] – “Some say he’s the Stig, but he isn’t. He’s the Stig’s Chinese cousin!”

[18×03] – “Some say he has 50,000 photographs of his own camera, and that 60 years ago this week, he too became a Queen. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[18×04] – “He’s not the Stig’s alpine cousin, he’s just the Stig.”

[18×05] – “Some say that he is the only man in history to buy a DFS sofa when there wasn’t a sale on, and that his favourite boxing venue is Munich airport. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[18×06] – “Some say that he stores all of his shoes and his cassette tapes on the motorway central reservation, and that he can easily stay quiet for 2 hours, he’s wondering why he didn’t win an Oscar. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

[19×01] – “Some say that we have at least thought of a new way of introducing him, but we haven’t. He’s the Stig!”

[19×03] – “Some say that following the vote on gay marriage, he’s got engaged to James May……’s lawn mower, and that he’s become convinced this week Henry IV is buried under the follow-through. All we know is he’s called the Stig!”

[19×04] – “Some say he contains 47% horse, and that to concentrate more on his work here he has resigned this week from his other job in Rome. All we know is he’s called the Stig!”

[20×01] – “Some say he has the world’s largest collection of horse eggs, and that when he knocked Rafael Nadal out this week, it wasn’t during a game of Tennis. All we know is he’s called the Stig!”

[20×02] – “Some say that he breaks into people’s houses at night and leaves two mysterious extra keys in a kitchen drawer, and that as a result of buying Pirelli condoms this week, he now has seventeen children. All we know is he’s called The Stig!”

[20×04] – “Some say that he also has a button that makes him hum, and that if he played football for Manchester United he’d be loyal, because he’s not a potato-headed oaf. But all we know is he’s the Stig!”

[20×05] – “Some say he’s married to one of Princess Anne’s hats, and that he spent all week standing outside the hospital in London, pretending to be Nicholas Witchell. All we know is he’s called The Stig!”

[21×03] – “Some say that this week he’s wearing two layers of nomex, and that one a recent trip to Cornwall he stopped off for one of his special big wees in Somerset. But all we know is he’s the Stig!”

[21×04] – “Some say that he once put Helen Mirren in a dishwasher, and that at the Winter Olympics he was disqualified from the skeleton event for riding down the hill on an actual skeleton. All we know is he’s called the Stig!”

[21×05] – “Some say that his hair is the exact same shape as a hat, and that if he worked for CNN… he wouldn’t get such pitifully low ratings that his show got cancelled. All we know is he’s called the Stig!”

[22×01] – “Some say that his favourite football formation is 8-8-19, and that while we were off-air his iCloud was hacked and now everyone in the world has seen his helmet. All we know is he’s called the Stig!”

[22×02] – “It isn’t The Stig… but it is The Stig’s Australian Cousin.”

[22×04] – “Some say that last week he won a BAFTA for ‘Best Original Smell’, and that when he dies he thinks you’ll go to Devon. All we know is he’s called the Stig!”

[22×05] – “Some say that his favourite flower is the potato, and that even though he’s seen Fifty Shades of Grey he still thinks BDSM is a driving school. All we know is he’s called the Stig!”

[22×07] – “Some say that he wishes there was someone he could talk to about his mis-sold PPI, and that he spent all week making a stair-lift for Madonna. All we know is he’s called the Stig!”